Can you sit down and stay a while?

jahk @ 2009-03-28T22:30:00

2009-03-29T02:30:25Z

I have no idea what I'm doing with my life.

jahk @ 2009-01-09T19:33:00

2009-01-10T00:37:09Z

There will never be a day where I won't hope to see you again.
I miss you more then words could ever explain.
You took a part of me with you.

jahk @ 2008-11-01T04:53:00

2008-11-01T08:53:06Z

I can't sleep at all. I think my insomnia may be coming back back oh well.
Maybe it's just because it feels like I've been having one revelation after the other the past couple days.

I realized I may never who I truly am. I'm never going to please everyone but that really is okay with me.
We're all kind of lost in this rat race.
How can anyone expect everyone to accept them for who they are when they don't accept themselves?
It's actually been making me really sad; how cold the world really is.

I've been listening to a lot of classical lately. As corny as it sounds it really feels like it opened up another part of my mind.
Or maybe it's just Olafur Arnalds' music that I'm completely infatuated with. I hear more words in his instrumentals than I do songs with actual, spoken lyrics.

I really do want to change the world. I really do believe I can do it. I keep telling myself that all this time I'm spending wondering about everything that one day it'll just click and nothing will ever be the same.

It's almost scary when I think about human existence anyways. As a species we're hardly a mere dust particle in comparison to how vast the universe is. Makes it hard for me to take any kind of effort seriously when I get to far in thought about that one.

But after I think about how pointless real "success" is in today's society.. I really only do believe in one thing.
We need someone else. A best friend. Someone who understands.
Whether that one is a boyfriend, girlfriend, best friend, family, or even an animal. If I were to be more ridiculous and think more in to it, even forms of art could be a best friend.
I can't count how many times writing a cliche poem has helped me sort out a bad day.

Or taking a walk just to see the colors. I miss being happy.
I miss how taking those walks used to calm me down.
Now all I can think of is all the homework I have to do, the jobs I need to find, the reality of everything.
I hate how much time I'm wasting just trying to be happy.
Taking walks and writing stupid poems may make me happy for a little bit, but I'm wasting so much time.

I need to get a job, get my own place, get a car (Or a job, so I can pay to take the bus or something), and get the hell out of here.

At this point, I don't care if I "fail"
I need to at least try.

I can't be here forever. I know I have so much more to give.

Right?

jahk @ 2008-09-21T18:40:00

2008-09-21T22:55:49Z

You think I would have gotten over this kind of angst when I was like.. 10, or something?
I really don't have a bad life. At all.

But that obviously doesn't mean anything to the 10 year old angst, huh?
Nope. Not at all.

You'd think I'd just get the fuck over all the petty shit that isn't actually worth a second thought.
Nope. Not at all.

It's so fucking pathetic how much I still miss that guy.
The guy who I always think of first when I want to do, well, anything.
He was real. And that's something I really needed.

If only the handful of people who might be reading this could read that private entry.
Whatever.
I guess it's just that stupid quote that can do any kind of justification now;
If you love something let it go, if it comes back it's meant to be.

Fuck quotes!
I want everything I love to not leave.
I hate doing this on my own.

Too bad I'm actually not alone, right?
I wish I'd stop waking up.
I don't mean that, either.

I don't know anything anymore!
Can someone make sense of everything for me?

jahk @ 2008-09-04T20:49:00

2008-09-05T00:50:24Z

I take it personally when people don't want to talk to me anymore.
Am I that much of a horrible person?

jahk @ 2008-08-23T23:54:00

2008-08-24T03:58:47Z

I could sit here and write for hours.
Until my fingers fell off.
Just because it makes me feel like I'm writing to someone who wants to read about how I'm doing.
I'd rather write here for hours then stare at my phone that hardly ever goes off for another minute.

I don't even know what I want anymore.
Or if I even want anything.

I want to change the world.
But that's not going to happen, is it?
I'm hardly a blip on a radar.

I'm nothing.

I'm burned out in every sense of the word.
I'm not even 19, and did I just see a gray?

I hate everything.

jahk @ 2008-08-23T23:49:00

2008-08-24T03:51:02Z

I wish I could get over myself.
I wish I wasn't depressed all the time.
I wish I didn't feel so childish all the time.
I wish I had someone to talk to.
I wish that I could take everything back,
And never settle for less.
I wish I would stop crying myself to sleep.
I wish I could stop having nightmares.
I wish I had someone to wake up to.
I wish that I was everything everyone needed.
I wish I wasn't alone all the time.
I wish I felt good enough.
I wish I would just go to bed.

jahk @ 2008-08-23T23:45:00

2008-08-24T03:48:08Z

I wish I was as invisible as you made me feel.
I wish I could care less like the people around me.
I wish that I wasn't so weird like everything thinks I am.
I wish that my neighbors family gatherings didn't make me jealous.
I wish I was like you and didn't know what that last thing meant.
I wish I could think the way I did a year ago. Two years.
I wish I didn't push so many people out of my life.
I wish I wasn't pushed out of so many people's lives.
I wish I didn't miss anyone.

I wish.

I wish I wasn't me.

Notice the past tense refrences.

2008-08-03T22:10:20Z

I never got to say a lot of the things I wanted to you.
Like, I'd say that when I think about you at all, good or bad, I smile.
Because good or bad, you were real.
But that's not the reason why I would smile, though.
You made me smile because of the way you cared.
The way you made me feel special and loved for who I was.
I never had to pretend.

Why did I think we were going to make it?
Because of the fact we were best friends for so long.
We already knew how to make each other happy, what made us upset, and everything in between.
We could have fun, and actually have conversations. Serious and lighthearted.
We had so many inside jokes, and most of the time it just happened and I loved that.
I knew you were special ever since the first time I realized we talked for multiple hours and the entire time I could barely stop laughing.

How did I realize it was something more than friendship?
I never wanted to be far from you. Ever.
Half the stuff you said was hard for me to comprehend, because I was too busy watching you smile.
I didn't want to be the first to let go whenever we hugged.
I closed my eyes when I felt your heartbeat or how warm you always were, so I could try and remember how it felt later when I missed you like crazy.
Every single time I got back in to my room after we hung out, I would dance around my room like an idiot and I would always have a stupid ear-to-ear smile for the longest time.
The only times I slept good was when I fell asleep hugging the pillow that smelled like you. Those days I woke up happy, too.
The few and only dreams I had were of you.

But, you're right.
We'd be naive if we thought we could pull of a relationship.
It takes me too long to explain myself and what I feel.
You need a girl who can express herself clearly so you'll never have those annoying questions in the back of your mind to whether or not the relationship will work out.
Because whether or not I'm in your life or not, it's amazing when your happy.

We should have stayed friends.
Because I hate not talking to you.
It's so much more than fine for me if we don't date, I honestly mean that.
I just really miss my best friend.
I miss the weird acronyms.
And the conversations that only make sense to us.
I miss being able to rant to someone who was always willing to listen.

I'm so sorry for the morning when you broke up with me.
I'm sorry for letting you know in the shittiest way possible how ugly I can be.
But I'm not sorry for feeling that way.
Because that's a part of me.
Just like the happy, hopeless, indifferent, hyper, caring parts that you seemed so accepting of.

The real reason why I felt like posting this is because when I signed on AIM today, I saw your screen name again, which means you or someone else unblocked me.
Which reminds me, just because I can, doesn't mean I'll IM you.
So you blocking me in the first place was stupid because I wasn't planning on IMing you anyways.

I've been waiting for you to make the next move, since all my moves suck.

But if you don't ever make any kind of attempt to communicate with me again, that's fine.
I'd rather you be happy then be forced to do something you don't want to do.
And if that doesn't involve me, then so be it.

But for the record, I wouldn't mind talking to you again.

jahk @ 2008-05-24T03:47:00

2008-05-24T07:50:13Z

i think im going to find a little notbook and just write all my thoughts.
because lately i just have like 4678657943x more thoughts in there than usual.

lots of shit has happened, and like all of it isn't even worth typing.

i dont care anymore about like anything and im not sure if it's good or not.

two more days of high school left.
AND I CANT BE MORE EXCITED
fuck like almost everyone i've been in school with.
i'm so looking forward to having my own life.

f'real

jahk @ 2008-05-13T12:46:00

2008-05-13T16:47:58Z

One of these days I really am just going to disappear.
And I won't feel guilty. At all.

If anyone is like "OMG I MISS YOU COME BACK"
They're full of fucking shit.

How the hell can anyone miss me later
if no one ever makes an effort when I'm around now.

Fuck you all.

jahk @ 2008-05-10T13:15:00

2008-05-10T17:15:18Z

Something's wrong with me.

jahk @ 2008-05-04T23:18:00

2008-05-05T03:18:44Z

Hahaha.

I love you.

jahk @ 2008-04-24T23:58:00

2008-04-25T04:03:01Z

Dude my face is so soft.
That masque shit you put on your face,
and it dries up and you cant move any part of your face?
Yeah. Love it.

ANYWAYS.
Concert tomorrow. New England Metal and Hardcore festival.
Going to Saturday's show, too.
It would be cool to go to Sunday's show too,
But, I can't afford it.
AND I'M GOING TO MEET BRIAN.
So I'm going to have the best weekend of my life hopefully.

My life is overwhelming me.
I'm not really sure what to do.
I'm tired of winging it.

jahk @ 2008-04-14T11:27:00

2008-04-14T15:33:04Z

i've been feeling so lonely lately,
but i know i'm actually not..

i mess up everything.

jahk @ 2008-04-11T19:14:00

2008-04-11T23:27:19Z

I'm so sick of hearing the phrase "I'm sorry"

You know what I think about "I'M SORRY"?
You're sorry because I made you realize how selfish you are.
But that's just me generalizing.

I'm tired. So fucking tired.
I'm sick of having a stupid sleeping disorder.
I AM TIRED OF PEOPLE THROWING IT IN MY FACE.
YES. Insomnia makes me feel incompetent.
Thanks for reminding me about how retarded I am.
I appreciate it.

Sure. Pretend to be my friend.
Ditch me. Don't acknowledge me.
Be a shitty human being.

OH WAIT. YOU'RE SORRY. NEVER MIND.
I'LL JUST FORGIVE AND FORGET, JUST BECAUSE YOU SAID
S O R R Y !

Fuck you guys.

I know who matters.
THEY LET ME KNOW

jahk @ 2008-04-10T17:44:00

2008-04-10T22:02:36Z

Wasting some time before Jen gets here.
If she actually comes over and doesn't ditch me again WOO!

So at the moment I'm screaming to songs because I'm home alone.
It feels good to just yell as loud as you fucking want every now and then.
YAKNOW? You do know. And you know it.

So I'm really bored. And kind of hyper.
Does anyone even fucking use LJ anymore?

WHy am I inside?
Bye.

jahk @ 2008-04-09T18:32:00

2008-04-09T22:50:48Z

I didn't know what to say or if I should have said Hi or blahblah.
Random train of thought. Anyways.

I think I'm going to start using this again maybe.

I have a lot of shit in my over-active mind of mine and not enough people willing to listen to me ramble.
So.

It's like my mind's taking a vacation. I really am over-stressed.
I understand that most of it is just because of my shitty decision making skills.
Oh well.

I don't drink anymore, and I know that for sure.
I think back on all the times I got shitfaced,
And most of those times sucked.

So lately I've been trying to get myself completely sobered up.
I've been starting to feel really guilty for some reason when I'm not.

But honestly, I think it's because too many people are doing it.
The main thing is to just get healthier, though.
Good luck to me. Ha. Haha.

Other news. James, aka, my giant teddy bear.
I haven't told him yet that I call him my giant teddy bear, though..
He really does make me smile. And that means more than words to me.
He picked up a LOT of hours at work a week or so ago,
So I don't see him that much anymore. It's okay. He's saving up for a car.
Ahhhhjkbjkslhbfdlovelovelovelove<3

School fucking sucks.
I could rant for like a page and a half, at leased, about how that school sucks,
BUT, it could just all be summed up with the word SUCK.

And. I mind rape people.
=O

jahk @ 2008-04-05T00:13:00

2008-04-05T04:13:17Z

Okay fine.
I miss you.
wtf.

jahk @ 2008-03-22T13:48:00

2008-03-22T17:48:07Z

It's all part of growing up, right?

jahk @ 2008-03-15T20:39:00

2008-03-16T00:44:39Z

I don't care that even though you said you wanted to be friends,
That I never got a call from you since.

I don't care about people that I know aren't worth my time.

I'm sick of putting so much effort in to a 'friendship'
When I'm the only person who really seems to care.

So, call me what ever you want. Judge me.
The truth can't hide itself for too long.

You know my phone's always on,
But I'm getting a new number next month.

jahk @ 2008-02-26T19:46:00

2008-02-27T00:45:57Z

I'm a cynic.

jahk @ 2008-01-14T12:41:00

2008-01-14T17:45:01Z

I haven't used this thing in forever.

I want 2008 to be better.
And so far it is.

Anything new in my life to update about...

Yesyesyes, I have a job. So horray money.
And I'm looking for a new job. Cause I get shit hours.
I WANT TO WORK. I WANT OTHER PEOPLE'S MONEY DAMN IT!
=D

ALICE HAD HER BABY!
And I absolutely LOVE him.
Little Carter =]♥
He's perfect, pretty much.

And a new boyfriend. Jamesss.
At first I thought we were just going to be friends...
But it built up from that =]
He's been an amazing boyfriend so far.

I'm bored.
My phone's always on.

YOPEACE!

jahk @ 2007-12-17T08:21:00

2007-12-17T13:23:56Z

As everyone expected,
I broke up with Andrew again.
About a week ago.

It just didn't feel the same.
Like it used to feel, yaknow?

I kind of feel bad about it.
Actually, I feel really shitty.

=D

jahk @ 2007-11-27T18:08:00

2007-11-27T23:09:43Z

Ugh. Such a bad headache.
Wisdom tooth growing in.
So, the left side of my mouth is swollen.
Probably why I have such a bad headache.

I hate loud noises.

I want to go to bed.
Pointless update.
I want a hug.
Bye.